Jan 12th, 2024 Friday Snowstorm
When it comes to interpersonal relationship, do you “keep account”?
In a society where people freely move around, relationships form and dissolve, keeping account seems to make sense. After all, we are all individuals responsible for our own lives, and we should not take for granted the courtesy others have shown. If I receive a favor, I would hope to be able to return the favor – even if not immediately, whenever there is an opportunity. Relatedly, the norm of reciprocity, coined in social psychology decades ago, seems prevalent in many cultures.
Except that, unlike bookkeeping in accounting, balancing the give and take of favors does not bring the relationship back to “even”.
I like the idea of celebrating birthdays for someone. Different from holidays, one’s birthday is a special day JUST for that person, so being able to send someone a birthday gift (instead of, say, Christmas gifts) makes me feel a little closer to him/her.
However, birthdays are considered as private information. Although I have access to the date of birth of all the students working closely with me, I know I am not supposed to surprise them with birthday presents since I could be violating a law, despite my good intention.
My chance has finally arrived. In October, I cancelled a weekly meeting due to my vacation, and one student casually mentioned that happens to be on her birthday. Well, since you voluntarily shared the information, I could use it as my own knowledge, right? ?
Choosing the right gift was tricky. I wanted to see her happy, but not feel burdened or embarrassed because this gift could be too much. I also want this gift to be easily portable because she most likely still needs to go to classes after I deliver it.
Eventually, I decided to make a mug cake for her. I associate birthdays with cakes, yet there were hundreds of cake flavors. Framing it to be the question of the day for a meeting, I asked all the students their favorite dessert flavor, and this student said “dark chocolate”. Problem solved! 😛
Conveniently, it was possible to prepare this cake with the microwave in my office, and I kept it warm. When I finally put this little surprise in front of her, her eyes glistened with joy, and she gave me a big hug. I could tell how happy she was, and so was I. Being able to bring genuine happiness to another soul is a blessing in itself.
Unexpectedly, weeks later, this student stopped by my office, and handed me a return gift – this 3D-printed totoro she made herself! How sweet of her ? My husband hand-painted it and it now sits on top of our game shelf with numerous other cute miniatures.
While you could think that now we are back to square one, we all know that is not true. Giving a heartfelt favor and receiving a token of sincere gratitude does not cancel each other. Rather, it is through these back-and-forth gestures of grace that we have built and nourished a beautiful relationship.
“The roses in her hand, the flavors in mine.” Even though not all acts of generosity are repaid, and not all the thoughtful goodness is appreciated, I still believe in the milk of human kindness, because positive interactions like this, when they do happen, will become a jewel in my memory, for years to come.