Jan 14th, 2023 Saturday Sunny
I have some perfectionist tendency with a very high conscientiousness score.
In other words, I have the natural inclination to want to finish a task with the result as perfect as possible, and my mind would not be at ease until I can achieve this goal.
This personality combination has served me well as a student. It helped me to stay on top of all of my coursework, and I rarely need any reminders to finish any assignments or projects – in fact, most of the time, I would set the “deadline” to get a task done to be one to two weeks before the actual deadline, to allow room for last-minute correction and polishing without feeling rushed. While this would put more pressure on myself at the beginning of a semester, the reward would come eventually – the last few weeks of the semester, usually the hectic time for most students with all the exam cramming and late-night project work, were relatively easy for me. I could sleep soundly knowing that I already did my best and there was nothing else to be done.
Unfortunately, this trait is no longer only a blessing once I started a full-time job, especially one with managerial responsibilities. Despite my efforts to stay ahead of all the tasks, many projects depend on the progress of other people, who may not work in the same rhythm as I do, and unexpected issues often come up that disrupt my plan of getting certain things wrapped up in the timeline that I prefer. In a sense, there is never an “end” to the work, unlike the completion of certain courses in school.
I find myself struggling to really take a good rest. Even if I am technically not “behind” for any task, when I have a little bit of free time, I tend to fill that with work I feel can be done now rather than later, with the hope that if I get more work done now, it would be easier later. Of course, when that “later” comes, I will still have the same amount of work because my brain almost never fails to identify other tasks that can now be on my plate since there is room.
Even during vacation time or weekends, I sometimes cannot fully rest, feeling anxious about the amount of work that still needs to be done once the vacation time is over.
This is a vicious cycle. I must break it.
Surprisingly, Lyn, my smart philosophical cat, comes to rescue.
There she is. Standing on top of my work laptop and to-do lists, meowing at me, as if to say, “mommy, it’s time to take a rest. I insist.”
I have realized the source of my sometimes seemingly never-ending worries – I am not confident that I can finish the work in the time I allocate (e.g. finish the ten tasks on my to-do list within the work time on Monday), until I actually prove to myself I can do it, usually after the work is done. This happens particularly often when I am facing a new challenge, like right now.
Worrying about the outcome of an unknown battle does not increase my chance of winning it. On the contrary, not resting well will definitely reduce my productivity while working on the task, making it even harder to win the battle.
I should remember to take a good rest, and use my full strength to fight in the battle, regardless of the outcome. At least, I have tried my best.
Thank you, my sweetest kitty, for teaching me how to live a balanced adult life 🙂