Apr 28th, 2024 Sunday Rainy
I once read an interesting book called “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus”, that vividly describes the differences between the two genders in their values, behaviors, and thinking patterns. I cannot say that all of the contents are accurate (honestly that is impossible if a book were to make any generalization for half of the human population), but it was somewhat helpful to learn more as I started navigating the world by myself.
One point that the book claims is that men love to fix things, so their default response upon hearing any issue is “let me find a solution for you”, also known as task-focused support. In contrast, women love to make others feel better, so their default response would be “let me comfort you”, also known as emotional support.
While I have not observe enough people closely to judge that whether, on average, this distinction holds true, I can safely say that it is one hundred percent the opposite in the case of my husband and me.
My husband is a pro at providing emotional support. He is very patient, not just with me, but also with his friends and his family. He listens without judging (or at least he does not show any judgment), and regardless of what the situation is, he is able to say a few words that relieve the stress or calm down the anxiety of the recipient, even for unfamiliar circumstances.
I often admire how skillful he is and wonder how come that he is naturally good at this. It finally dawned on me as I interacted more with his mom, the family he is closest to. My mother-in-law is exactly like him, always ready to cheer me up, rooting for me with full energy at a bowling game that I was doing as badly as a duck, quickly glossing things over if I messed up any housework, and never blaming me for anything. I imagine my husband must have been treated like that since he was little, and he acquired the style quite well.
On the other hand, I grew up with extremely task-oriented parents, who are both nice people but generally do not give out any emotional support. If I told them about a tricky condition, they would help me analyze it to figure out the right action to take, or lecture me for an hour if I made a mistake in school. I remember being afraid to come home and share what happened in school with my parents (e.g. scored a B in a test), especially my dad, because I would face more scolding and penalty at home than outside. They have also indicated that if one had nothing tangible/useful to contribute to a problem, it is better to be silent than only “saying nice but useless things”.
I do not view my parents as completely wrong, though over the time, I realize that in daily life, emotional support, rather than task-focused support, is more frequently called for. After all, everyone has their own path to walk, their own problems to face, and their own restraints and limitations to take into account. In the adult world, it seems rare for someone else to offer meaningful assistance (unless this is a transactional-level experience, like visiting a bank to open a loan, or making an appointment with a doctor) that the other person did not explicitly ask for.
I am working to improve my emotional support capacity. Fortunately, I have excellent role models – my husband and, our two kitties.
Kitties, by nature, can only be the source of emotional support (except when your problem is a spider/mouse in the house, which they would happily take care of for you ?). Nevertheless, a gentle rub and a hug from a sweet cat might be the best support one can get after a long and exhausting day ☺️.