Dec 10th, 2022 Saturday Cloudy
I have two friends, he and she.
They met over ten years ago, at a dance. At that time, he was recovering from a failed marriage, and she was an international student excited to explore a new city in a foreign country.
They clicked right away, through their shared interest in anime, video gaming, and dancing. Later they found out that they both love board games as well. Not surprisingly, they became best friends.
Then she graduated. Instead of settling down in a single city, she decided to travel around the world, first through her employer when she was a consultant, then on her own after she started her own consulting business. She is living the life as a “digital nomad”.
Meanwhile, he continued working in the city they met. He owns a house, a car, and a stable and well-paid job. He has a big circle of friends in this town, and he has no intention of moving elsewhere.
They keep their regular correspondence, usually through email, but sometimes with mails and packages as well (she likes sending him post cards from her newest adventure spot, and he sends her flowers on her birthday and gifts on Christmas).
Four years ago, he took a vacation in Japan, where she was staying. They devoted two weeks together touring different cafes, game arcades, castles, and the Tokyo Disneyland. They even stayed overnight in a ryo-kan (traditional Japanese inn) in the same room. Then they parted ways. She went on with her globe-trotting, and he came back to this city.
Last year, she finally got to visit his town again – the pandemic has made international traveling excessively complicated – and every week, she spent Thursday night in his home, where they had dinner, watched some anime, then relaxed in his hot tub.
“That is the highlight of my week.” she told me.
Yet, they are NOT dating. He told me “she would want to fix my problems for me, and I can’t accept that.” and she told me “he is not my type – he is not masculine enough for me.” Nevertheless, they interact with each other like old couples.
This puzzles me. Maybe they would not consider their relationship as dating because it does not fit their notion of “love”. “I like him/her a lot, but I don’t love him/her, therefore this is not dating.” might be what is going through their mind.
I sigh as I watch their story unfold. Do they know that love takes on many different shapes for different couples, that there is not a single way of “dating” or “loving” as is written in a textbook or depicted in the mass media? In the end, all that matters is two people who deeply care for each other, and hope to be with each other for a very long time. The rest are all customizable.
Perhaps because they have both been hurt in relationships – he went through a divorce, and she had two or three boyfriends but never got engaged – that they are too afraid to take any risk for the fear of ruining their long-term friendship. To protect themselves, they shun away from their deepest desire in heart and maintain the status quo. Perhaps they are “too old” to play the love game.
But love is not a game. It is a lifelong journey with sunshine and rain, serene moments as well as storms. It is a beautiful path with incredible scenery, but one has to work hard to clear the various obstacles on the road. By choosing to avoid all the challenges, one would never see the rewards and may not even know what one has missed.
Maybe he and she will eventually grow old enough to understand this. Hopefully by that time, they are still there for each other.