Apr 15th, 2022 Friday Cloudy
When you date someone, is it because you love him/her, or you want him/her to love you?
I recently finished re-watching a popular K-drama “my ID is Gangnam beauty” with my husband. It was a very cute show, sweet but not cloying. Needless to say, the main characters Kang Mi Rae and Do Kyung Seok are charming and likable, but the character that generated most discussions between us was the “bad girl” Hyun Soo-Ah, a natural beauty who takes full advantage of her physical attractiveness to manipulate those around her.
Interestingly, my husband did not find Hyun Soo-Ah to be breathtakingly pretty, and he thought the scene where all the boys in the chemistry lab woo-ed and ah-ed upon seeing her doing a pony tail to be dramatically exaggerated. Suspecting that might be his pretense in front of me, I asked “so if I do my hair that way in front of you, you would not get excited?” He only shrugged, “I often see you do that in the morning, so…” Oops, I guess I have de-sensitized him ?
Physical attractiveness aside, the motives of Hyun Soo-Ah were quite puzzling, especially in the first half of the show. When she sensed Kyung Seok’s interest in Mi-Rae, she flirted with him on purpose, to the point of lying about liking him and creating physical contact with him, while it was apparent that she did not really care for him at all. “I don’t understand.” said my husband, “if she is not interested in him, why can’t he date Mi-Rae?”
Well, maybe this is not so obvious for a guy with integrity and character (like my husband), but many people seem to confuse dating, loving someone, and being loved by someone. In the ideal world all three overlap – you love someone, and s/he loves you back, so you date each other. If only the world is like that, I would say ninety percent of fiction authors and drama makers will be out of business.
To love someone is really to put your heart into the life and the happiness of that person. When that person is happy, you feel happy. When that person is sad, you feel sad and you want to help. You hope to be there for all the important events of his/her life, and you wish to share the world with him/her. The focus is on him/her, not yourself. It is to give without considering whether or what you might get in return, because the smile of that person is often rewarding enough.
To be loved by someone is different, since you are on the receiving end. You might feel loved, cared for, and maybe even spoiled. You are likely to feel happy too, but it is a different kind of happiness from seeing the person you love happy. Most of the time, if we feel attracted by someone’s power, status, money, or anything else that is not within that person (e.g. personality) but “attached” to him/her, chances are that we do not “love” him/her – we are simply fascinated by the possibility of being loved by someone like him/her, or how being with him/her would make ourselves look. The focus is still on ourselves. I think this is exactly the motive of Hyun Soo-Ah, that despite not loving Kyung Seok, she knew it would make her look really good either by his loving her, or by her being with him. She grew up in a love-deficient environment, so she never learned how to love someone.
Now, when it comes to dating, usually some type of love is involved. Usually, one side that has a crush on the other initiates the relationship, but even that is not a pre-requisite. People date for so many reasons nowadays. Nevertheless, for a relationship to truly blossom, at least one side needs to love the other to a certain degree. If the other side reciprocates the love, so much the better.
If you want to experience the feeling of loving someone, I would suggest you adopt a kitty. To be honest, it is often hard to tell whether your furry friend (particularly cats) loves you back, and you often do not expect anything in return from them any way. Still, on a serene night, seeing my little kitty napping sweetly after enjoying her dinner, curled up like a pillow, pulls a heart string of mine.
It is a blessing to have someone to love in life.